I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
