I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
