So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You can't just leave with hair like that
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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