and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
being pregnant is like rehab
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
