Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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