did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
