I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
