The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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