I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm too high and old for this...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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