I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
