there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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