I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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