I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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