True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
im six kinds of drunk right now
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
