I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
