You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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