thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
