the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
