And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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