I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
