My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
