mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They have beer where we have blood.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
