The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
