Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
