Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
