Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
