I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
