He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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