don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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