Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
tell me about the eggs
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
