Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she smelled like a LAN party
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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