booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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