I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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