hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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