Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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