after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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