I could make wine with my vomit
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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