already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
