I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You can't just leave with hair like that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
