Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
