something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
