On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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