I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
