Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
