We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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