Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
