this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
