You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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