Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
