I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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