I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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