Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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