can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
