i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
