Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
