you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
