i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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