shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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