You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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